The latest edition of the Hatchet Herald came out last night. This one was pretty deep, I had to let it sit and marinade in my melon for a bit. After some reflection, I finally came back to reality and thought “Fuck! I forgot to share it with the fam!” So without further waiting, straight from J’s mind to your screen, here is this weeks Hatchet Herald.
What up yall, Big Violent J up in this byatch fresh off the Marvelous Missing Link Tour. That shit was maaaaad fun. It really was. I liked that show a lot. The set was crazy fresh and easy to do. It was easy to keep my breath.
The only thing that was kind of weak is the first song was Explosions off of the Marvelous Missing Link “Lost” album, and only a few people knew it. So right when we hit the stage and everybody was crazy hype, we’d launch into that song and it was like somebody pulled the plug out. Everybody was just standing there lookin at us like “What the fuck is this shit?” That’s the way it always is with the new shit though. Our whole career, on every tour we’ve ever done, every time we do the new shit, everybody just kind of stops gettin’ hype and stares at us. The new shit don’t get accepted in with the classics until it’s not new anymore. For example, take the song “Bazooka Joey” off the Death Pop album. When we performed that song on the Death Pop Tour the crowd suddenly acted like they were watchin’ a movie. But when we did it on this tour everybody was hype as fuck. For some reason, it’s gotta be old before it’s fresh. But after we opened up with “Explosions” we jumped right into good old “Chicken Huntin” and got that bitch crackin! The only new song they seemed to get hype for was “Juggalo Party”. I Guess it’s the way that chorus comes in, it’s just too hype to resist, even if you don’t know it.
We had some crazy ass shows out there, like Worchester, Mass. We used to always sell that place out. Every show it was always packed, but for some reason it aint like that anymore. We walked out on stage and seen that empty ass balcony and feeble sized crowd on the floor and it was like the needle skipped in my head. Where the fuck did everybody go? I’m so used to seeing that bitch packed! I don’t know what happened from that point, but suddenly, for some strange reason we just started havin’ the most fun, craziest fuckin’ concert on the whole tour. We were squirtin’ Faygo into each other’s faces while we were tryna rap. I was laughin’ so hard I couldn’t even do my lyrics. We kept goosin’ each other’s ass and we were dumpin’ full Faygos on the bouncer’s heads. We were makin’ up fucked up, funny ass lyrics as we went, and when Young Wicked came out to sing his part he was all serious and me and Joey just walked up behind him and squeezed a 2 liter into his face. Mad funny shit.
Other shows were fuckin’ sold out to the damn rafters son! Jam packed with crazy ass Juggalos. They were climbin’ up on the stage grabbin’ arm loads of Faygo and jumpin’ back off into the sea of madness. Our clowns were havin’ a crazy hard time tryna keep the Faygo barrels full. It was a truly awesome tour. Twiztid was on the road at the same time and we kept havin’ the whole crowd send them live ass shout outs and we’d send it to ’em. It was good times man, good times.
Speakin’ of good times, we keep ’em coming! And for a good ass cause too. This time we’re about to hook up St. John’s Children’s Hospital of Illinois with some fat bank. Come on yall it’s time to come together! We got some sick little kids that need some clown love. We need all you Juggalos to ante up some duckets. Come up with the cheese please. You know that money you got chillin’ in your sock? Come up with it bitch. It’s time to give a fuck again. If you’re a Juggalo and you don’t crack that piggy bank open, karma’s gonna crack that head open. These sick ass little kids seriously need some fuckin’ cheddar and it’s time they got PAID. Here’s how it’s going down… Psychopathic Records, TrueJuggaloFamily.com, FaygoLovers.net, JuggaloNews.com and Juggalo Championship Wrestling, Proudly Present: “The RasselRap Charity Tour”!!! Featuring fresh JCW wrestling action and the one and only Young Wicked!!!
Now this aint your everyday average tour my dude, this shit is karma driven, it’s for a sweet ass cause and it’s MASSIVELY FRESH. As I tell you about this tour, every time I say “CHING!”, that’s the sound of sick ass kids gettin’ paid and feelin’ better… OK? Now, look here ninja, the first thing you need to do is pull your drawers outta your butt crack and buy yourself a ticket to the RasselRap Charity Show “CHING!” Come to which ever one of the 6 shows is closest to you. Even if you and your homies gotta drive 6 hours to the show, it’s fuckin’ worth it.
Once you get to the show, you simply approach the ninja at the merchandise table. At the merch table, there will be 3 different fresh options for you to choose from. 3 different ways of how you can be awesome and feel great about yourself this holiday season.
You can choose to become an “Elf” by choosing “Option 1”. For a measly $20 bucks “CHING!” Elfs get to take home and forever own an exclusive, ultra special, high quality “I’m The Shit” T Shirt! This colorful, priceless, bullet proof, water resistant, high end T Shirt is extremely fashionable and forever in style. It’s made of the rarest, richest fabrics known to man. Grown and sewn together by the actual, living, 2 inch silk worms of China’s Pu Pu Forrest. And then hand stitched, pressed and primped by 40 bald headed ninjas who work 22 hours a day in a tiny hut located on the very top of Mount Mukaka. In a custom, hand crafted font, it reads “I’m The Shit” across your (muscular or voluptuous) chest, above a proud, ruby red, hand painted Hatchet Man logo. On the back, across your (broad or sexy) shoulders, as you walk away it schools the world with this fresh quote… “I Gave to the sick ’cause I’m not a dick”. This T-shirt could easily retail for something close to 4 or 5 hundred bucks on the black market. Believe me ninjas and ninjettes, you want this shirt! Not only does the 20 spot you dropped go to the sick and needy kids, but you get to look extra pimpin’ and flossy in this, one of a kind, stylish T shirt! And for you fat slobs, we hear your demands! Starting with this crazy fresh T Shirt, a lot of Psychopathic merch will now be available in fat kid friendly sizes, all the way up to 5X! If you’re fatter than that, you’re just gonna have to try stretching it out or something.
Option 2 is even fresher! You can become a “Snowman” but it’s gonna cost you a smooth $50 spot “CHING!” Not only does a Snowman get the uber fresh “I’m The Shit” T shirt, but you also get an extra special, magical wrist band! This special wrist band allows you the fuckin’ incredibly fun privilege of being a “Lumberjack” during JCW’s Lumberjack Match! Here’s how it works… All the Lumberjacks surround the ring, and every time one of the 2 wrestlers either tries to escape the ring, or is thrown out of the ring, the Lumberjacks get to beat the shit out of him and throw him back in the ring! It don’t matter if it’s the good guy wrestler or the bad guy wrestler, who ever comes out of that ring gets a beatin’ BY YOU! You can kick him, punch him, pull his hair, slap him, twist his fuckin’ nipple, goose his ass, do whatever you feel like doing to him every time he comes out of that fuckin’ ring. And the best part? The wrestlers aint allowed to hit you back! Now tell me that don’t sound like fun! And if you want to, you can even wear your fresh ass “I’m The Shit” T shirt while your Lumberjackin, cause don’t forget, Snowmen get that too!
And the 3rd option is absolutely the biggest and the best of the 3! For you ninjas out there who really care about helpin’ the sick kids and have an extra big ass heart, for a big Benny Frank $100 spot, you can be a Big Baller Santa Clause! Needless to say Big Baller Santa’s run shit! Not only do they get the (chick or dick pullin’) “I’m The Shit” T shirt, and the magical “Lumberjack Match” wrist band, but they also get a soopa fresh, collector’s edition laminate pass! A Pass to what you ask? A Pass that allows you to attend the ultimate Meet N Greet after the show! You’ll get to hang out in person with ICP, Young Wicked, DJ Clay, The Weedman, 2 Tuff Tony, The Rude Boy, The Ring Rydas and basically anybody on the entire tour! Just think, you can have your “I’m The Shit” T shirt tagged up by everybody! Snap a selfie with the entire tour! Ask anybody there, anything you’ve ever wanted to know! And don’t forget the coolest and most important thing Big Baller Santa’s get to do… Hook up the sick kids in a big ass way!!!
This holiday season, because Psychopathic Records, TrueJuggaloFamily.com, Faygoluvers.net, and JuggaloNews.com and most important of all, YOU THE JUGGALOS are so incredibly fuckin’ dope, all profits from the entire tour, including ticket sales, merch sales, and Elf, Snowman, and Big Baller Santa sales all go straight to St. John’s Children’s Hospital of Illinois! CHING! CHING! CHING! I think it goes without saying ninjas, but do not miss The RasselRap Charity Tour
At the end of the RasselRap Charity Tour when we’re all feelin’ extra fuckin’ great about ourselves, we’re lookin’ to celebrate right? Well I know the spot yall… The ultimate fuckin’ spot… The hottest holiday spot on the planet! I could only be talkin’ about the now legendary and infamous, biggest, dopest, fattest, throw down, slam jam, blow out, Juggalo party, bash of the year… the perfect place to pull our wagons into is the parking lot of The Crofoot in Pontiac, Michigan on December 18th for Psychopathic Record’s official BIG BALLAS XMAS PARTY!!!
Don’t get shut out! Tickets are on sale right now, and all the proceeds from this years Big Balla’s Xmas Party go straight to… our pockets! HAHAHAA! Well somebody’s gotta pay for all the fresh ass entertainment jumpin’ off this year right? I’m talkin about ninjas like the ultimate party host Mike Busey and the Busey Beauties, The Wolfpac and The Wolfpac Girls, and this year JCW Presents Exotic Ladies of Wrestling. There will be so many fuckin’ hotties in the house that UpChuck the Clown is already standing in line!
Anybody who’s ever seen Mike Busey and Busey’s Beauties hold it down at the Gathering already knows what kind of jump off this is gonna be. Plus the Wolfpac girls runnin around sittin’ on ninjas faces. Not to mention all the Exotic Ladies of Wrestling flyin’ around puttin’ random ninjas in freaky wrestling holds. We’re turnin’ this bitch into a giant tittie bar!
Also you can expect to witness an awesome and riveting set from DJ Clay who somehow manages to get fresher and doper every fuckin’ year.
And this year all you rappers, MC’s, and freestyle flow masters, we’re callin’ you out! So you say you can flow huh? Well than tuff guy, bring your music and step on up to the stage for J Webb’s 1st Annual MC BATTLE! Yes! That’s right! Here’s your chance to be seen! Step on up in front of everybody at Psychopathic Records and all of the Juggalos in the house and show us what you got pimpin!
And for you creative and stylish mother fuckas out there, don’t forget about Santa’s Hoe Hoe Hoe Costume Contest, where you could win this year’s grand prize…A Mystery Box! It could be anything! It could be jerseys, it could be CD’s. It could be a pair of keys to a new car! It might even be a half eaten jar of peanut butter! Or perhaps even the grandest prize of them all… a pair of tickets to Gathering 17!!! Damn, did you feel the floor rumble when I said that? I swear the building just shook when I typed that. Just SAYING Gathering 17 is epic, WOAH it shook again!!! I’m knockin’ gold plaques off the walls in this bitch! There’s only one way to find out what’s in that mystery box, and that is to win Santa’s Hoe Hoe Hoe Costume Contest! So come to the party dressed up in your freshest, most decked out, holiday get ups. Come dressed up as a sexy elf… Maybe an evil Santa… or how about Jack Frost with a pair of frozen balls? I don’t know, you think of somethin!
And at the end of the night, when all you ninjas are stumblin’ drunk and all you ninjettes are plastered, walkin’ around with one tittie hangin’ out bouncin’ around, just then, the lights cut out… Shaggy and myself suddenly appear on the stage… Your hearts begin pounding in your chest as we introduce the Party’s main attraction… The hottest name on Psychopathic Records since the incarnation of the Icon’s themselves, Twiztid… From the Juggalo Clown Town of Denver, Co…. The one and only, YOUNG WICKED! He slowly walks out on to the stage to a thunderous roar from the Juggalos … and then trips over his mic cord and busts his ass. BUT, thats OK because were all Juggalos!
BOOM! Big Baller’s is tradition for us. It’s ancient. We been doing this every year for like 20 years now. Straight up legendary. Some of you out there reading this might have only heard about Big Ballers but have never actually been to one. Maybe this is the year you and your friends actually go! Maybe not, maybe you aint got the fuckin’ money to drive all that way to Pontiac, Mi. for a fuckin’ party. Maybe you gotta fuckin’ work. I feel ya. I hear ya. We will party and honor you ninjas who can’t make it. We will drink to you. You will be there in spirit and we will do it up for you.
Speaking of coming together from all over the country, there is a newer tradition that is much bigger than Ballers, much more popular to Juggalos. Much more heavy and epic. I’m talkin’ about Juggalo Day which has kind of morphed itself into Juggalo Weekend. I know you’ve all already heard about the next Juggalo day because straight up 75 percent of the tickets are already sold out!
The first night, February 19th, at the seriously legendary Detroit venue St. Andrew’s Hall, we’re gonna have a full card of JCW action earlier in the afternoon. Then the ring comes down and the concert starts. Some extra hot, uncut, A 1 dope ass names are gonna be there. Names that we will release at a later time closer to the event. But because you’ve been good little serial killers, I’ll give up one of the names right now for ya. All the way from Compton, California, performing his father’s iconic, gangsta rap bangerz, The son of Easy E… Lil E! And get this, joining him on stage, on the tables, from my favorite rap group of all time, the world’s most dangerous group, N.W.A, The one and only DJ Yella! I know some of you older ninjas like me are super excited to hear that Lil E. and DJ Yella are gonna be there, but if that’s not really your cup of Faygo, worry not, there will be plenty more names added to the line up. But Friday night, February 19th’s main attraction is the super group, Da Mafia Six and ICP together, The Killjoy Club! Performing their first ever concert!
The very next night, Saturday February 20th at Harpo’s Concert Hall in Detroit is another seriously fat line up that you will be hearing about soon, but the main event of Juggalo Weekend, the shit everybody in the Juggalo underground is talking about. I’m talkin’ about the God Father’s of Detroit Wicked Shit reuniting for the first time in many, many years, Esham The Unholy and Insane Clown Posse. This year Shaggy and myself will be performing the 2nd Joker’s Card in it’s entirety, The Ringmaster!
There you have it! The main events of Juggalo Weekend 2016, The Killjoy Club, Esham and ICP. It don’t get no fatter than that. Tickets are still available, but I doubt they will be for long!
I know there was talk about Juggalo Weekend coming to Worcester or maybe Dallas this time, but with Esham and ICP doing a show together again for the first time in all these years, it just had to be in Detroit, murderous!
I gotta get the fuck outta here, my ass is numb from sittin’ here typing for so long. I seriously doubt anybody’s still here reading this, but incase you are let me remind you that the fuckin’ sweet, sweet ass 20th Anniversary Edition of the Riddlebox album is available now!!! The packaging and the booklet for that mother fucker are un fuckin’ believable thanks to Psychopathic Record’s product manager and publicist J Webb, who wrote that shit and interviewed us for it. He put some serious time into that bad boy.
It also comes with a bonus CD that’s got 17 tracks worth of Riddlebox Oddities. It’s got fresh instrumentals, alternate mixes and other dope nuggets of flavor all recorded during the Riddlebox era. Some shit on this CD you might of heard before and some shit you definitely haven’t. We went diggin’ through the vaults at Mike E. Clark’s house and uncovered some dope shit for you ninjas that love that Riddlebox sound.
Also, the main album has been digitally remastered and the sound is bombastic. You can get this sweet ass, deluxe edition of Riddlebox in stores or if you cant find it anywhere you can always get it at the new and much improved Juggalo superstore HatchetGear.com.
Before I go I just wanna say this. When we were out on tour doing the meet and greets we were talkin’ to ninjas about Gathering 17 (ohh fuck) and some ninjas were like “I’ve always really, really wanted to go to a Gathering but I never have”. I’m just gonna say it… Any ninja who has always seriously wanted to go to a Gathering but never has, you get a staleness point homie. Why you ask? Because what the fuck are you ninjas waitin’ for? I know that shit is expensive, so start saving up now! Mow some fuckin’ lawns for 20 bucks. Shovel some snow. How can you let something so fresh, something you truly want to be a part of pass you by every year? I just dont fuckin’ get it. If you truly seriously want to be a part of ANYTHING in this life and you’re not doing it, you’re just playin’ yourself out.
Ask yourself this… what did you do while the Gathering was going on last year? You don’t remember because you didn’t do SHIT. For you, those were some worthless ass, meaningless days. But if you would’ve gotten up off your ass and actually went to the Gathering, you would have those memories to cherish forever. You would have those experience points to hold on to for life. Not only that, but you never know who you might have met there or how it might have affected your life. But instead you didn’t do SHIIIIIIT. So you might have saved some money. So what? Where’s that money now? GONE! You ended up blowin’ it anyway. And you could have actually experienced the Gathering!
Are you one of those lame ass ninjas in your 20s and you’ve never even left your own state? What the fuck is your deal man? Why are you lettin’ your life waste away? Do shit for yourself. Take that body of yours, that vessel you control, that sack of meat and bones you live inside of, and do some fresh shit with it! I’m not just talkin’ about the fuckin’ Gathering ok? I’m talkin’ about anything you love and want to be a part of.
Are you one of those fuck tards that has been in an internet relationship with somebody for 4 or 5 years now and you’ve never actually even met that person? Your a dick wipe. You aint no Juggalo man, Juggalos are adventurous. Juggalos make shit happen for themselves. Juggalos actually do the shit they want to. They don’t just sit around dreamin’ about shit all their lives. Make shit happen for yourself.
When I was a kid I always wanted to be a wrestler. I did it by the time I was 19. I was wrestling all over the midwest. And when I was too young to actually be a real wrestler, I was a backyard wrestler to the highest degree. We had crowds in our backyard watchin’ us, bitch. We passed out flyers and gave out free hot dogs so that people would come watch us. I worked to get mine! Whatever I wanted to do in this life I fuckin’ did it. I Still do it. I believe in living your life to the maximum. Max that shit out to the farthest of your capabilities. If you’re 27 and have always wanted to go to the Gathering but never have, all I gotta say to you is whatever dude.
OK I’m outta this bitch. Thanks to everybody who came out to the Marvelous Missing Link Tour. Thanks to all the ninjas who bought The Marvelous Missing Link Lost and Found! I’ll be back next time, Peace and much clown love!
Shout out to all my ninjas coming to see ICP, Twiztid, and Blaze perform The Wizard of the Hood live, in it’s entirety, at Gathering 17! WOOOAAHH
Max that shit out!
That was it for the Hatchet Herald. What’d I tell ya fam? This one was a deep one. Go chase them dreams.